A Blessing

“I wake up in the morning, open my eyes and breathe… I’m alive.”

I saw the above quote some where and I have been thinking of it often. This has been the first time in 20 years I have not owned an animal. My cats and dogs were family and followed me every where, totally devoted to me and I to them. If the cat and dog weren’t looking for me, I was looking for them. If not for them I would never had made it out of hospital or out of a wheelchair for that matter. My dogs got me up and walking after many surgery’s, because I had to take care of them.

Its taking longer than I anticipated to adjust to not having them around. I’m trying to keep constantly busy from first thing in the morning until I’m exhausted of a night in order to sleep. Trying to concentrate on rehab. I have a long way to go if I ever want to get into the field again. I have a good ten kilo to put back on.

I’m doing my leg exercises everyday, rehab at the physio twice a week and start back at the gym for upper-body next week. I barely have the energy or the concentration to study or to write posts. I’m getting behind on three different courses. Ive spent the last 20 years waking at six am and now I sleep till eight.

I need to get my shit together. I’m loosing my discipline and drive. Life doesn’t feel the same at this moment in time, without my constant shadows.

“I wake up in the morning, open my eyes and breathe… I’m alive.”

1 Comment

  1. Dave

    I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself. I’m in a similar situation. I’ve got terminal cancer and been on tablet chemo for over a year. I specify tablet chemo because it being daily in not on the roller coaster and harshness of IV chemo.
    That being said, my new feeling 100% is my old 80% at best. I’m struggling to balance what I want to do, what I need to do and think I can do, and what I can actually do.
    You’ve been through a lot and going through a lot. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not getting up at 6 or falling behind on your courses. Take the time to recover now so you can get back to that.

    Hi Dave
    I appreciate the comment. I never know if anyone actually reads my blog or not but it keeps me occupied. Ive been at a bit of a loss lately. My animals have always come first. If I had vet bills and food bills on the same week then I went to food banks rather that have them miss out of special foods for their kidneys with no salt. If it took me to having two endone and a six pack of beer to walk the dog then thats what I did to control the pain. Ive been told Im terminal that many times but Ive always fought harder to get back to looking after my pets. Whenever my friends with transplants have slackened off and had other do their meds etc they have always crocked within six months. Discipline has always gotton me out of situations that would have killed most. I was on 15 litres of oxygen after a bad case of phnemonia and had the nurses every hour on the hour turn down the oxygen a quater turn at a time until I was back down to 4 litres before my lungs gave out. It was like having a plastic bag put over my head everytime. Ive always liked the fight. In the first 6 months after getting back from hospital I went to the Australian Insitute of Sport to train with Paul kale in Kenetic Fighting. It took me 4 endone a day to get through it. It hurt just to kneel on a mat. I lucked out on my two cancers. They got the throat and shoulder cancer early enough that I didnt require chemo. The first time i was told I was terminal, I was told about a person that had cancer and was given two years to live. They crawled under a table and gave up and died in two weeks. I refused to be like them. Its now been 20 years and Ive been told Im terminal more than ten times and I refuse to be remembered as someone that gives up. So I fight, FUK EM ALL. Usually when I get in these moods, I go see my tattooist and spend the day getting ink. I may have to do a road trip and spend a few days getting my back done. Id really like to get my to staffys portraits, some where on me. Its going to take me a little time to get used to just thinking about myself. When my field courses are over Ill look for another abused dog to look after, when I dont have to find baby sitters. Your attitude to life changes when you think of another well being over your owns. Take care brother.

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